I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
