It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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