she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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