and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
