i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
