I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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