peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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