my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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