He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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