I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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