why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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