it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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