I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
