okay pat passed out under dana's car
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize