Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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