She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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