I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
