New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
