I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
