god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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