I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
