in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
