i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
