I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize