shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
