Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
