dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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