Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just pee around me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize