Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
