How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
