the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
