Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she peed on how many people?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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