the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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