If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
