Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
