I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
