her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize