im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
