I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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