I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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