cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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