Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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