My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
