Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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