Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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