he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
