Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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