Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize