Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
