Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
