why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
