i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
