before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
