Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
