i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
