After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
