i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
