i think i have two assholes
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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